81 Eddie Ifft - Comedian Podcaster Surfer
Ever wonder what happens when a brutally honest comedian dissects surf culture—from the violence in Malibu lineups to the awkward silence after snaking a wave?
In this no-holds-barred episode, stand-up comic and surfer Eddie Ifft shares the hilarious, awkward, and sometimes disturbing reality of being a non-local in a world dominated by entitlement, aggression, and unspoken lineup politics. If you've ever surfed next to someone in gold chains—or dodged a tackle mid-wave—this one's for you.
Hear unfiltered surf stories you’ll never hear in a surf school brochure.
Learn why comedians are uniquely positioned to expose the absurdity of surf localism.
Discover how Eddie’s carnivore diet, CrossFit background, and Malibu drama collide in one of the most unpredictable episodes yet.
Press play for uncensored laughs, brutal truths, and a fresh perspective on the surf world you thought you knew.
https://www.instagram.com/eddieifft/
Eddies' Podcasts: https://eddieifft.com/podcasts/
Key Points
Surfing on holidays is one of Eddie's favorite activities, especially because it often results in less crowded waters.
Eddie began serious surfing 15 years ago after moving to California and started with stand-up comedy because he felt unfulfilled in his previous life in Pittsburgh.
Eddie describes surfing as the 'crack' of sports due to its addictive nature and the sense of community it fosters, despite the often toxic behavior it can bring out.
Eddie shares a humorous and reflective anecdote about a violent encounter while surfing, involving a broken nose and a funny interaction with his friend.
Eddie discusses his career in stand-up comedy, revealing that it began 27 years ago when he started writing jokes for a friend and eventually decided to pursue it himself.
Eddie and Michael discuss their experiences with confrontational and sometimes violent encounters while surfing, highlighting the competitive and territorial nature of the sport.
Eddie shares his experience of consuming only McDonald's food for 30 days, detailing the surprising health benefits he experienced, which challenged common perceptions about fast food.
Eddie discusses his recent podcast episode that went out of control, featuring a heated argument between guests that became a highlight of the show.
Outline
Surfing Habits and Experiences
Eddie Ifft started surfing approximately 15 years ago, initially in New Jersey with limited success due to poor wave conditions.
After moving to California, Eddie began surfing more seriously, finding it addictive and cheaper than other sports like skiing.
Eddie has surfed in various locations including Venice Beach, Australia, and New Zealand, with varying experiences in terms of wave quality and crowd behavior.
Eddie discussed the challenges of surfing in crowded areas and the primal appeal of waiting for waves, comparing it to hunting.
Eddie shared personal anecdotes about surfing incidents, including breaking their nose and hitting the ocean bottom while high.
Comedy Career and Inspiration
Eddie Ifft began their comedy career 27 years ago, inspired by a friend's encouragement and the desire to escape a mundane life.
Eddie's father was initially embarrassed by their choice to pursue comedy.
Eddie has performed in various comedy festivals and tours, including in New Zealand and Australia, despite some negative experiences.
Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Stories
Eddie shared humorous stories about interactions with other surfers, including confrontations and playful banter.
Eddie discussed using humor as a coping mechanism for dealing with personal tragedies and grief.
CrossFit and Diet
Eddie Ifft has been involved with CrossFit for about 12 years, initially drawn to it for its intensity and community aspect.
Eddie experimented with the carnivore diet, consuming only McDonald's food for 30 days, and reported positive health outcomes.
Eddie now follows a paleo diet, emphasizing the importance of electrolytes and sodium intake.
Podcasting and Live Streaming
Eddie Ifft discussed their podcasting endeavors, including the WODcast and other projects.
Eddie mentioned a recent live-streamed podcast episode that turned into an unexpected argument, highlighting the unpredictability of live content.
Transcription
Michael Frampton
Welcome back to the Surf Mastery Podcast. The guest in this episode is Eddie Ifft. Eddie is a stand-up comedian, podcaster, and surfer. I think stand-up comedians are so important in society. They help us to point out our failings through satire and humour, and just to take a light-hearted look at some of the things that we often take too serious. And that is what happens here. Eddie has a great take on the surfing culture and some very funny surfing stories. This episode is a little different than what you're used to on this podcast, so I will put a strong warning here. Parents, if there's any groms listening... This episode is definitely not appropriate. If you're not a fan of dark... comedy, shock comedy, satire in general, this is definitely not the episode for you. You have been warned. There will be links to everything Eddie in the show notes, but for now I will fade in my conversation with Eddie Ifft.
Eddie Ifft
Self-like. My wife will go, "This is what I want for Christmas." What do you want? And I'm like, why don't I just go get what I want? I don't understand why we're... Why were you doing this? It's... I love, that's one of my favorite things in the world is to surf on Christmas, but we're usually on the East Coast and it's so cold over there that I can't go.
Michael Frampton
Like, what if you just wanted to go surfing on Christmas Day?
Eddie Ifft
I surf almost... I love to surf on the holidays. 'Cause I feel like a lot of people don't go, and so there's never, you know, not the polluted parking lot waters that we have here in California.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. When did you start surfing?
Eddie Ifft
Like really start surfing? Probably 15 years ago. Maybe. Yeah, I was a late... I was a... What BeachGrit hates. I was a... Yeah, like... But I was always like an ocean guy. Like I grew up like in the ocean. I was an ocean lifeguard for years and I would surf a little bit, like I'd take out the rescue boards and ride waves. And there just was no surf in New Jersey unless you were there in the winter or during a hurricane. So it just like seemed futile. I'm like, why do people own surfboards here? This is ridiculous. There's no waves. And then I found, like, you have to really like hunt for them. And, you know, you can find them. They're really good in New Jersey if you know where to look at the right times. But I would just go out and ride these one-foot waves on a giant, like, you know, longboard. Then I moved to California and I was living in New York doing stand-up comedy for 10 years, and I was just partying all night long and sleeping until noon. And I was like, I got to get out of here. And I was like, I'm going to move to LA and I'm going to start surfing. And I'm just going to, like, get back. Like I've always been an outdoorsy kind of person. I was a skier and I was like, I've got to get back to, like, my roots. And so it was good. I just started surfing one day and it was like one day it clicked and couldn't stop.
Michael Frampton
What beach was that?
Eddie Ifft
Probably the worst break in all of California, Venice Beach. It might be the worst wave in all of California. It shouldn't even have a name. It's a closeout, like, beach break that gets so crowded. And for, like, five years I was like, why do I suck so bad at surfing? Like, why? And then I started going to Australia and I started surfing, like, real waves. And I was like, they don't all close out.
Michael Frampton
Surfing's like the crack of drugs, right? It's the worst sport to get into and it's the most addictive. And it attracts a similar crowd too.
Eddie Ifft
It's the crack because it's the cheapest in a way. Yeah, because it's cheap. It's dirt cheap. I was just telling somebody, it's like I was taking my family skiing this year and I might as well sell my house to take them skiing. It's so expensive. But surfing, it's like... You buy even a brand new board, you spend $700. You buy one wetsuit a year. Maybe two. So you're spending... gas money? And... thank you.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I never thought of it like that. I always thought it's so expensive to live near the coast, but you don't really have to. You can just live 15 minutes away and just drive there.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Yeah. And I'm... Probably the best surfers at the break to where I surf are from the Valley, you know. They drive over the mountain to come there and... Yeah, there's no... Skateboarding is pretty cheap.
Michael Frampton
Yes. There's a better culture in skateboarding though. Do you skate as well?
Eddie Ifft
I used to skate a lot. Like, I wouldn't say a lot. Not obsessively. I started in BMX. And I liked BMX. I was obsessed with BMX. Obsessed. And so when skateboarding started becoming popular in the '80s, I was kind of mad because it was overtaking BMX. And it was like what happened to me with skiing and snowboarding. I was a skier and then snowboarding came around. Snowboarding became the cool thing. And I was like, fuck you guys. Can I swear on this? Yeah? Okay. I was like, I'm a skier. Oh, now you guys... And I started snowboarding right away. But I was like, now I'm starting over. And I was already good at that. It was the same thing happened with BMX. I was like, I was good at like half pipe and everything on a bike. And now I got to learn how to do it on four little wheels. And... So it was... It was upsetting.
Michael Frampton
But at least with skateboarding, it's sort of, you know, every time you go to the skate park, it's the same skate park. And it's not as crowded as surfing. You don't have to sit around waiting for, you know, a piece of the skate park to come and meet you.
Eddie Ifft
Right. But there's something about that. I think that might be my favorite part of surfing. I was just talking to a buddy yesterday who's a hunter. And he hunts everything. He's telling me like bear, this elk, you know, everything that he shoots—squirrel. He does it every day. He's like, my wife doesn't get it. He's like, I leave in the morning, I'm gone for two hours and I come back and I might have killed 12 squirrels or one bear. And he's like, I sit there and it's just alone time and I'm just like hoping something comes around or I track something. I go, yeah, that's what surfing is. That's why. I've surfed the wave pools, but... Stop the.
Michael Frampton
Saying. No, you're right. That's one of the allures of surfing. And you can sit there like a hunter who's waiting in a blind or whatever, or you can be the guy that's paddling around trying to hunt down every little wave. Which is... So surfing's a very primal thing. And you're right, that's what's part of the allure, is it's such a limited resource. But it's what makes... A portion, let's say, of the surf culture today... So terrible. And it often brings out the worst in people.
Eddie Ifft
It really does. I mean, and I've seen it. There have been days where it brings out ugliness in me. Where, I'm late, I only have an hour to surf. And I'll surf it like it's a heat. In my head, I'm like, I got to get as many waves as possible. And when a guy's paddling, I'm like, how dare you battle for that wave right now? Like, who do you think you are? And I'm like, who do I think I am? Like, how dare I act like this over a wave of water? Like... Like, what is wrong with me? And I get mad at myself if I ever do it, because I'm usually the laid-back one that's like, go ahead, it's all yours. You know, like, I'm not going to fight you for it. But every once in a while, it's usually if I'm in a bad mood. So I just figure when those guys are like that, they're just in a bad mood, and I feel sorry for them.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, often they're really nice guys in the car park, but as soon as a wave comes... Yeah. They couldn't... They don't even want to look at you, let alone be friendly. I went surfing with a guy—I'm sorry to say he was Australian—and he befriended me. He's like, hey man. He became like my best friend. We actually went... Not best friend, but he was like, buddy. We went and did the California double where you snowboard and surf in the same day. And... So we went surfing in the morning, I believe. Yeah, we went surfing in the morning. And then we drove out to go snowboarding. He was like my best friend, but he snaked me on every single wave. And I was... And I kept thinking like, has anybody ever talked to him? Like to see? I have a friend's wife who does it too. She does it to all of us. And we're like... No one says it. You know, like I want to like scream at her. Just because it's like so often. If it was one time, no big deal. Two times? It's like every wave. And I'm like, how do you live with yourself?
Michael Frampton
Yeah, often they're just not even aware of it. The thing is, if no one says anything... Then of course they're just going to keep doing it.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, but tell me if I'm wrong. When you're out in the lineup and you look around, you kind of judge people. And you watch people surf a wave, and if they miss one, you're like, no more chances for you. Yeah. And you're like, you're now on my list of guys that I don't... I don't get out of the way for. You're now in my way. And then you start to... So I will say this, and women will hate this. I look at a woman out there nine times out of ten and I'm just being like... I'm being, what would... generalizing and stereotyping, but I'm going to go, there's a good chance that this girl is not a good surfer. I mean, you can look at the factors involved—what kind of board she's riding, what her wetsuit is. There's ways to distinguish. You know, it's like I've always said, white people, black people, when people go, "You're prejudiced," or whatever. It's like, I saw a guy, a black guy, wearing a Harvard sweatshirt walking toward me. I'm not going to be afraid of him. But if he has his pants hanging around his ass crack, and he's got a do-rag on, and he's got gold teeth, I might be scared. I'm gonna... my chances are the guy in the Harvard sweatshirt... And same way as white guys, you know, if I see a white Appalachian redneck, you know, bogan dude walking at me, opposed to a guy in a three-piece suit, I know which one I'm going to probably prejudge and say, okay, it's good to do a deduction that this guy might be the one that I should cross the street and get away from. In saying that, there's not a lot of great female surfers yet. Sure, you can name tons of pros, but like... It's... look in the lineup, that day after day, it's all men out there. So when you see a woman come out, you're like, she's probably really good. But you see a bunch of women out there, you're like... So when I see a woman going for a wave—and I've done this myself—where I'm like, I look at her right away, and I'm stereotyping in general. And I go, she's not going to catch this. So, like, I'm going for it because there's no way she's going to get it. Now, I've been caught wrong many times. Bye. So what I'm saying is men probably do that to women so often that, like... And I've heard women kind of talk about this, like, where, you know, they just like... It's like they're ignored. Like they're paddling for a wave and every guy beside them is like, she's not getting that, you know, and they go. And so that's why my friend's wife drops in on everyone. Because she's just like, you know what? You guys all bottled on me. I'm just going.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, that's part of the reason. But it's interesting, like, we judge... As surfers, you have to get really good at judging people. Yeah. Because even just by the way that they're moving around, you can tell whether they're going to catch the wave. You start to learn these nuances. And if they missed the wave before, yeah, you had your chance, mate. I'm going. And you know that they're not going to do anything about it. The woman has the extra advantage of, well, I'm not going to get punched in the face.
Eddie Ifft
That is so true, too. And no one... I had a... I dinged my board—a brand-new board—so badly the other day. And it was... We're at a left. It is... It's lefts, and every once in a while, like, a cheeky right comes through. And here comes that right. And everybody sees when the rights are coming, because if you're on that side, you're just like... Because everybody there is a goofy foot. Everybody wants the lefts. And nobody really wants the rights. But it's kind of like this, "I'll take it." So I see it, I'm like, I'm going to go right. I start to paddle on the right, and she's coming from like a section down on the left that's like... there's nothing there. And it's just... I'm so blatantly on this wave, and she just comes flying over it, just smashes into my board. I remember, like, I locked my legs around my board so that I wouldn't kill her. And I was like, I'm just gonna, like, hold onto mine so it doesn't, like, slingshot off. And she's like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." And I'm like, no you're not. Like, I'm not sorry. You were... But there's nothing I can do. If that was a guy, I would have been so mad. Because I just picked my board up right there, and it's like, on the right one, I'm like... And she's like, "I'll pay for it." I'm like, "No, you go. You go, you... ha."
Michael Frampton
Yep, it's so true. Yeah, there's not enough... there's not enough shame in surfing either, as well.
Eddie Ifft
I saw a hot chick in the parking lot. We have a parking lot system here in LA, where a lot of the parking lots, you got to buy a ticket. It's like $8 to park at the beach. But then when you leave, you just give it to somebody else. And so you go around, you leave and, "Can I get your ticket?" So I'm leaving one day, and there's this hot chick in a bikini. And she goes... I go, "Hey, do you need my ticket?" And she goes, "No, I already have one." And then I see three other guys offer her a ticket. And I go... That's why you don't get equal pay.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, and the funny thing is, she's the person that doesn't get dropped in on. In fact, she gets any wave she wants because guys have this weird... "Yeah, go." "Yeah, sure."
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, go ahead. I give groms waves, and then I always go, these kids are getting like 5,000 waves. They weigh 20 pounds. They get picked up on every single wave. And I'm like, why do I always give them? And I think it's because I'm a father. And I just, like, think of it as, like, it's my kids. And they'll just come out and just hang out around me and just start... I'm like, all right, this is getting annoying, guys. Yeah. They go on everything. They go on everything. They have endless energy. Their shoulders—they don't know what shoulder pain is yet.
Michael Frampton
So true. What's your... what's your worst surfing experience?
Eddie Ifft
I don't know. I've never really had anything that... I mean, it's usually like, going up to surf after driving. And I remember one time I went to get my surfboard off my roof and put my elbow right through my sunroof. It shattered. My little puppy was underneath. And that was bad, because I couldn't surf. Had to wait for them to come vacuum my car out before I could drive it and stuff. We worried about the little puppy. And... that was probably... I haven't had too many bad... Actually, I did get my nose broken. By my buddy. Again, I'm going right, he's going left. And he's, like, not a good surfer. And he's on, like, a rainbow board. A foamy board. And I see him coming down, like, coming towards me. You know, we're both on, you know, two different sections. And he's just coming at me. And so I, like, put my shoulder down and tackled him. Like a football player would. And I just thought it was funny that I tackled him. And we're both laughing. And as we're, like, coming up above the water, I see his giant foam board flying in the air, and the fin just comes down and goes crack. And blood just went everywhere. And my contact lens came out. And I'm really bad... I have really bad eyesight. And so... I felt like, blinded. Because I had, like, the blood was in my eye, the contact's gone. And I'm like, "My God." He just, like, knocked my eye out of my head. And I'm like... And I start paddling in. He goes, "Where are you going?" I'm like... He said, "Come on!" I'm like, "Where do you think I'm going?" And his girlfriend comes running down the beach because she sees me bleeding, and she's like, "My God, are you okay?" And I'm like... I go, "Is my eye in there?" And he goes, "Yeah, let me look." And she goes... she found my contact lens. She goes, "Here's your contact lens." I'm like, I couldn't see it. She's like, "But your nose..." And I just, like, a giant gash down here. And there's still a little bump from it. And... and he thought it was funny. That would probably be the worst. Hit the bottom hard one day, really high. I was on a show called Getting Doug with High, where they make you smoke weed and you get, like, super high. And I don't really smoke a lot of pot. And I wanted to, like, get it to wear off. It, like, wasn't going away. I was so high. I was like, I'll go surfing. I was like, that'll be... That'll wear it off. You know, like, I'll just get so wrapped up in surfing that I'll sober up. And I remembered, like, every time I'd wipe out, I'm like, just enjoy the wipeout. Just, like, take it and just go with the flow. And I remember just, like, getting thrown off the board. And rather than, like, try to swim out of it or breathe, I just went like... And all of a sudden I went BAM! And my head just went off the bottom of the ocean. I was like, bye. I gotta get out of here. Bye. Like, it's dangerous. Yeah, Doug Benson.
Michael Frampton
There's a good lesson. So was that with... is that a comedian, Doug?
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, it's a funny show, Getting Doug with High.
Michael Frampton
When has it... Is it still going?
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, he's on Patreon now, though. It used to be a big show. I mean, it was really... It was a big deal to do. I did it with Tommy Chong. I've done it a number of times. I really don't like to smoke weed, but he thinks I'm really funny when I'm high because I freak out a lot. And so he's like, "Come on the show." And I'm like, "So I can freak out for you?" Hm.
Michael Frampton
So how long have you been doing comedy? I mean, first of all, I'm a huge fan.
Eddie Ifft
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Michael Frampton
And so glad that you agreed to do the show. But when did you start? When did you get into comedy and what inspired you to?
Eddie Ifft
Twenty-seven years ago. I was living in Pittsburgh with my parents, going, "This is life?" I was like, I want to kill myself. I wasn't suicidal, but I was like... I was just depressed that after college, this was the rest of my life. I was like, so I'm going to do what my dad does? Live where my dad and mom do? And I'm going to go to work every day? And it just wasn't enough. It was like, this is so... Thought there was going to be more to life. And I didn't know how to get out. Like, I wasn't a good student. It's not like the opportunities were knocking down the doors. Or knocking... Like, I wasn't... No one wanted me. Not one person was like, "Hey, you should come work with me," or, "Hey, I got a great idea." It was just like, my dad sold insurance. He's like, "Yeah, put your suit on, come to work." And I was like, yeah... And one day I... I used to, like, go make girls laugh in bars and stuff and try to be goofy. And my buddy was even funnier than me. Like, way funnier. And he was like a waste of life. Like, he was doing nothing. He wasn't even working for his dad. He was like collecting quarters to go, you know, get gas money. And he's like... I said, "You're really funny. You should go do stand-up comedy." And he was like, "I don't know how to do that." So I called the comedy club, and they're like, "Yeah, you got to get five minutes of material, come down, do an open mic." And so I was like, "Here, do five minutes." So he started telling me his jokes, and they were terrible. I was like, "Here, I'll write them for you." So I started writing the jokes. And I was like, these are pretty good. And then I was like trying them out in bars on girls and making them laugh. So I kept pushing him to do it, and he wouldn't do it. So I called the comedy club, and they're like, "Yeah, you got to get on this open mic." So I got on the open mic. I did it, and the rest was history. It was like... I told my dad. I sat my dad down. It was like he thought I was coming out of the closet. I was like, "Dad, I have something to tell you." I really... Well, I sat him down. I was like, "We got to have a talk." He's like, "Okay." I was like, "There's something you don't know about me." And he was like, "?" And I'm like, "I've been moonlighting at night doing stand-up comedy." And he's like, "?" I'm like, "Yeah, I do stand-up comedy. I'm a comedian." And he's like... And I'm like, "What?" He's like, "This is what you have to tell me?" And I'm like, "Yeah." He's like, "You want to be a comedian?" I was like, "Yeah, I want to be a comedian." And he's like, "My God." He goes, "I thought you were telling me you're gay." Yeah. And I was like, "No, I'm a comedian." And he's like... I'm like, "I think you'd rather I was gay." And he's like, "I think I'd rather that." He was just so embarrassed that I was going to be a comedian. And he was... 'Cause my dad's, like, very serious. And he was like, "That's what you're going to do?" I'm like, "Yep." He was like, "Three... You don't like guys?"
Michael Frampton
Sounds like it was actually pretty funny.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Yeah. What... where are you? What part of Australia?
Michael Frampton
I'm in the best part of Australia called New Zealand.
Eddie Ifft
You're New Zealand?
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
I should have known that accent. Can't believe I didn't decipher that.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I have a pretty mellow accent. I actually... I lived in Australia for a while, lived in America for ages. Lived in Malibu most recently and just have returned back to New Zealand.
Eddie Ifft
So what part of New Zealand?
Michael Frampton
I'm in a place called Hawke's Bay.
Eddie Ifft
I know Huxby.
Michael Frampton
Yeah? Yeah. You surfed Te Awanga?
Eddie Ifft
I don't think so. I toured all over. I did like... I think I've been to New Zealand three or four times. Nice. And I used to do that comedy festival in Auckland. Yeah. And I would mostly surf Piha. I'm very angry that I never got to surf Raglan because I'm a goofy foot and it just looks like it'd be my place.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, it pretty much is. I mean, I remember I... we were doing this tour and I was going to try to break away from the tour. I was in a van with like five other comedians and I was like... I told my promoter and my agent, I was like, I'm just going to rent a car so that I can shoot off, like, or leave early. And we were going to New Plymouth.
Eddie Ifft
Yep.
Michael Frampton
And then down somewhere else. I was like, I think I can get to Raglan. And I'd like to just go surf and then meet them at the show. And the promoter was like... or my agent was like, dude, kind of the reason they want you on this tour is like for the camaraderie and the... like you're in the van with the New Zealand comics and... surf. Thank you.
Eddie Ifft
Do you follow the Raglan surf report?
Michael Frampton
Yeah, that dude's...
Eddie Ifft
Funny.
Michael Frampton
He's good. See, I'm sure you guys would get on like a house on fire and he'll get you into some waves.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. He's a good surfer. Yeah, it's like Sterling Spencer.
Michael Frampton
Too. He's incredible.
Eddie Ifft
Sterling's funny and he's a really good surfer. Yeah. I always say people are like, "You're funny." I'm like, I'm not a good surfer. Passionate, you know. Everyone's like, "And hit the lip and make a nice turn," but... I don't know. I've mastered every... not mastered, but like other sports that I got into—from BMX to skiing—it was like boom, I got it. You know, like... surfing... strongle. Struggle. It was hard. I finally feel like I got it. Like I finally found... and I think it just took years of understanding the wave. And I would have thought from being an ocean lifeguard that I'd understand the wave, and... but it's like, no. I finally am starting to think I understand it. It's a hard part.
Michael Frampton
Whereas the tennis, there's always the tennis court—it's always the same—but surfing, it's probably more like comedy, right? The crowd's always different. So you've got to adjust your material for the crowd.
Eddie Ifft
I do a lot of analogies. I have a lot of surfers on my podcast, and the only way I can relate to them is... is by saying, you know, in comedy, we do this. Because I can't say, "Yeah, I've been thrown under Jaws—30 feet—where I didn't think I was going to get to the surface." But I have a... I have performed, you know, in... you know, in the middle of Harlem where the entire audience is booing me, where I think I can't breathe.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Sorry, where'd you live in Malibu?
Michael Frampton
I was in Point Dume.
Eddie Ifft
Nice.
Michael Frampton
I know. Nice. Yeah, got to surf. They had a key to Little Dume. I was surfing Little Dume.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. How'd you work that out?
Michael Frampton
I married someone who was reasonably successful in business.
Eddie Ifft
Nice.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
That's one of my spots. I surf there a lot. Yeah, I got a bunch of buddies up there.
Michael Frampton
Yeah? Are you someone who has got a key?
Eddie Ifft
And what's your... which wave did you like to surf there?
Michael Frampton
I was... I would always take quite a big board out and just paddle around everywhere. Just because it's such a strange wave. Sometimes, depending on the tide, it would break here or on the outside or the inside. I was down there every day. I'm surprised... and that was only a year and a half ago, two years ago. So I'm surprised I...
Eddie Ifft
Never saw you down there.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. Did you ever see Daniel Tosh down there? He surfs there a lot.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah.
Michael Frampton
I mean, I remember seeing Chris Martin all the time, Neil Strauss all the time. Laird Hamilton was always out.
Eddie Ifft
I'd see Neil and I'd see... I've surfed with Neil. Mike D's down there. I have seen Laird out when I'm at Gunning-Oxville.
Michael Frampton
Yep.
Eddie Ifft
Who else have I seen down there? My buddy's a pro player—was a pro baseball player. Pretty good one too. Like MVP. And he surfs with us down there. And one day I was there, it was me, him. We saw Johnny Knoxville. And I was talking to John—we have like mutual friends—so we're talking. And Laird comes by on his... like foil board. And the one guy with us goes to me, he goes, "This is just weird." He's like, "I'm not going to lie to you." He's like, "If I told my friends at home that I'm surfing with, like, a professional comedian, a professional baseball player... Laird Hamilton comes by. Johnny... they'd be like, 'Whatever, man.'"
Michael Frampton
It's a strange scene down there, man. It really is.
Eddie Ifft
I didn't know Chris Martin surfs.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. I know he lives up there. I know. I know. I've seen Anthony Kiedis and Ed Norton. Yeah, a lot of guys down in that area. The best wave is Big Dume when it's firing.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. Yeah. That's gnarly. That gets gnarly too. Especially right up on the point up against the rocks. That'll sort the men out from the boys.
Eddie Ifft
That's a good wave. And I don't like it that much because I'm a goofy foot.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
But if that was going left, I'd be in heaven. Heaven. Like, I would like that way better than even like Third Point, Third, Second, First, you know, like that wave... That's, when people talk about the best wave in Malibu, I'm like, you might be right there on a good swell.
Michael Frampton
Where do you usually surf?
Eddie Ifft
I don't like to say it, but... It's already overcrowded.
Michael Frampton
You don't have to.
Eddie Ifft
You might be able to figure it out. I'm a goofy foot.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, okay. Yep, it gets good there. Yeah, I already deal with all of them, so... And they all know who I am. So I have to keep my mouth shut.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I never really surfed there because I'm not a goofy foot and I had a Little Dume key, so that's probably why we never really bumped into each other.
Eddie Ifft
If I had that key, I don't think I would ever... I'd learn to go right.
Michael Frampton
There is actually a little left there too.
Eddie Ifft
But which one? That comes off Outers?
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I've taken that, but you end up in the... Yeah, I've taken that left.
Michael Frampton
Rocks. Yeah. Yeah, you get used to that.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Outers is pretty good.
Michael Frampton
It gets... Once you learn the wave and the tides and stuff, you can... You can get good waves. And then, of course, the fluctuation of the crowd and stuff. You know what it's like being a local somewhere—you learn when to go.
Eddie Ifft
Did you have a golf cart?
Michael Frampton
No. No, that was missing actually.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, that's the goal of...
Michael Frampton
The golf cart. I know. I had the dream, had the house in Point Dume, the nanny, the Escalade, but we never got the golf cart.
Eddie Ifft
So how did you end up back in New Zealand?
Michael Frampton
So... Sadly, we separated and then she passed away.
Eddie Ifft
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Michael Frampton
She was a cunt. I got you to laugh. That was one of my goals.
Eddie Ifft
Did I clip that? And put that on my Instagram? Okay. Some sad story—wait, I think the mistake is though, that you separated before she died. Because you could have had a house in Point Dume right now.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, but no... You see, so she was quite... let's say narcissistic. And then once she passed away, it turned out that all of her—air quotes—business success was a little bit of a farce and like a... yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Ponzi scheme.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Well... well, you did get to live in Point Dume for a...
Michael Frampton
While. I had the experience, dude. I'll never forget that. I remember before we met, man, I used to... When I was single, I used to love giving head to women. I just love giving head. But by far the best head I ever gave a woman was a headstone.
Eddie Ifft
What'd she die of?
Michael Frampton
I can't say. I won't say, actually. That's one thing I don't really want to get...
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, okay.
Michael Frampton
But yeah, it wasn't... It was a bit of a dark time, but obviously, you know, I've come to terms with it and using humor to deal with it.
Eddie Ifft
Right. I get you. I understand. That's when people—there are probably people listening that are freaked out, like, "I can't believe they would..." And it's like... Some people don't understand that's how a lot of people deal with tragedy. And I always tell people, when they're like, "Bro, you can't make fun of people," and this and that, I go, look. One time I thought I was paralyzed. I got hit in the neck with a barbell that fell on me. And I got rushed to the hospital in Melbourne, Australia. I was sitting in the hospital, and they had this neck thing on me and they were going to run CT scans and X-rays and everything. And all I could do was make jokes about being paralyzed because I was so fucking scared. That it was like my way of dealing with this horrible tragedy. And so... When people get mad at me for jokes, I'm like, just shut up. Like, you don't know how everybody grieves differently. And, like, sometimes this is the way people deal with shit. So, like, how dare you criticize me for my way of dealing with this. So I don't know. But... fucking... God, I wish you had married—or I wish you had stayed with her—so we would have that key.
Michael Frampton
No, we were actually technically still married. So if everything had been hunky-dory in the business, I still would have had the key. Everything was in her name too because we were both New Zealanders. So when she left, we lost our visas to be in the country. So I had to bring the kids back home to New Zealand. I had no choice in the matter.
Eddie Ifft
Where do you send your kids to school?
Michael Frampton
They were just at Malibu. Like... do you mean M.A.L.I.B.U?
Eddie Ifft
Yeah.
Michael Frampton
Yep.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, great school.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, all the schools up there are great. It's not very good in the diversity department, but...
Eddie Ifft
Or the discipline department.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Or the... you know, I'm so worried about my kids going to like Malibu High, where the kids are like, "Hey, I got my dad's jet for the weekend. Anybody want to fly to Aspen?" You know? "Mom, Dad, can I go to Aspen with my friends?" No, you can't.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, there was a lot. That's one of the negative parts of the culture around there for sure. There's a lot of spoiled brat stuff going on. I'll tell you a good surfing story. I was at Third Point one day. And I'm paddling for a wave and I see a guy's got it. He's coming down and I was paddling really hard for it. And I was just about to take it. I see him out of the corner of my eye. And I just, you know, like, just push back off. Let him get it. He paddles out and starts screaming, "Stay the fuck... AWW! WAIT!" And I'm like... And he's like probably 18 years old or something. And he's like screaming it over and over again. And he's like a little skinny dude, you know, like total little rich kid from Malibu. And he doesn't stop. He keeps yelling about it. So I just paddle the nose of my board over the nose of his board so that my face is like this far from his face and I go, "Shut the fuck..." And he goes, "What?" I go, "You're ruining everyone's day by yelling. Shut the fuck up." And he goes... he goes, "You fucked up my wave, man." I go, "I didn't fuck up your wave. I got off your wave. And I have news for you: it's not yours." And he says, "I'm a... I'm a fucking regular here or something." And I was like, "Third Point? Like that's like saying you're a regular at Bondi Beach in Australia," you know? Like, I'm like, "No, you're not. Because I'm here all the time. I don't see you there. Secondly," I was like, "Just shut the fuck up." I so calmly said it that he was like kind of scared. And I went to like move and he like went like this—like he thought I was going to punch him. And I had no intentions of ever hitting him. But he like gets off his board and he lifts his board up like this to like keep me away because he thinks I'm going to hit him. And the wind takes his board and it just goes wham right in his face. And I kind of giggle. And he goes, "You hit me! You hit me!" And I go, "I didn't hit you." And he goes, "Everybody saw it. You hit me. You hit me!" And I go, "I didn't fucking hit you." And I go, "Stop being such a fucking little spoiled brat. Shut the fuck up." And so he's like, "But you hit me!" So he paddles over to get away from me. He's like, "I'm just out here trying to surf with my girlfriend." And there's a guy—not even surfing—that I knew, but he was surfing around me. And I go, "Bet you he leaves." And I'm like, "Wait, is that easy?" Waves come and he's not paddling for anything. And I go, "Bet she leaves." And like maybe two or three waves later, I see him. He doesn't even try to ride a wave in. He just starts paddling in. So I see him paddling in. And I'm like, "What a pussy." He paddles in and I see him like take his leash strap off and start storming over to the lifeguard. And I go to the guy beside me, I go, "He's telling on me." Thank you. "Peace. On me." This kid's like, "So... you know, Third, Second, First..." I go, I'm like... And I've got on a green wetsuit top. And I'm like, "Fuck, I kind of stand out here." Like you can point to the guy. And I see him. He's pointing. And so I said, I'm like, "Should I take this top..." So I paddled down to Second Point. Nice to start surfing there a little bit. Now I paddle down to First Point and I'm parked up at Third Point. And then I get out, I ride a wave and I get out of the water and I walk all the way around. And I have a buddy that's a lifeguard. And I call him. I go, "Hey, dude, this guy just, you know, blah." And he's like, "Well..." I go, "I didn't hit him. I swear I didn't hit him." But... he goes, "Did you say anything?" I go, "I might have threatened him a little." And he goes, "Well, that's assault." And I go, "Really?" He goes, "Yeah." He goes, "Dude, don't mess with those little Malibu kids because they're all spoiled brats and they all call the cops all the time." And I'm like, "But I didn't do anything." He's like, "Yeah, but it doesn't matter. They're going to call the cops on you. And the cops are going to come down and his dad's somebody." You know, "Your surfboard just hit Steven Spielberg's kid in the face. You're getting in trouble." And I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Don't fuck with those little kids." He goes, "They're... they just... they get everything they want." And I was like, "I want to kill them all."
Michael Frampton
So what did he—did anything happen from that or you’d get away with it?
Eddie Ifft
No. I got away with it. I mean, I sneaked out of there. There was no way. Did you see the thing that just happened in Malibu? It made, like, national—or it was like global—news.
Michael Frampton
You mean about a month ago with this board bashing? Yeah. Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
That was crazy.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, someone lost the plot. You just can't get away with that nowadays with CCTV and…
Eddie Ifft
I was just talking to a guy over in Hawaii. He was a Da Hui guy. And he's like, "Yeah," he's like, "you used to—you’d get your face broken if you surfed out at V-Land." He's like, "Now," he goes, "you should see how many kooks are out there." He's like, "It’s crazy, because everybody's got a camera." And he's like, "You're not getting away with anything." Yeah. That's why I always say when guys like yell and scream out in the water, I'm like, "What are you going to do? What are you going to do?" Like, you just sound honestly like a Karen. Because you can't do anything about it. Like, if you... I'd have more respect for you if you went over and punched the guy out. I'm not advocating violence or anything, but what I'm saying is that yelling and screaming that you do is worse than hitting someone. Because it's like... it’s so... you can't do anything. So you're just like a little bitch out there. And I had it happen to me. Just—it’s a big funny story among all my friends, because I didn't know this guy, but he knows everyone I know. I paddle out one day. I just get to Third Point. I only usually surf there. And again, I'm hunting for laughs. And I see this guy get up and I'm like... and I'm paddling out, he's coming into the wave. And I just go, "I'm going to go to my right," because no one takes lefts there. And so I paddle to my right so that I'm not in his way. He goes left on his wave, so I’m in his way now. So he, like, falls off his board and he starts screaming. He’s like, "You fucked up my wave, blah!" And as he's paddling back out, he's splashing the water. And he keeps splashing the water and yelling. And he's not like looking at me, but it’s obviously me. He's like, "What the fuck? Fucking kooks out here, blah." And I go, "Excuse me?" And he goes, "Fuck it!" I go, "Do you have something to say?" And he goes, "Yeah, you fucking ruined my wave." I go, "You weren’t going to get that." And he goes, "Because—what the fuck!" He starts yelling at me and he goes, "Who are you? Fucking just show up, Johnny-come-lately. Mr. Johnny-come-lately. That’s what I’m going to call you—Mr. Johnny-come-lately." I go, "You know what I’m going to call you? The Nicknamer. That’s who you are. You’re the Nicknamer. You give everyone their nicknames." And he goes, "What the fuck?" He goes, "You know what else they call me? Known as the Drowner. I’m the Drowner." And I go, "Thank you. I go... so you’re a murderer? I go, you murder people? Bye." And he just like paddles away. I don’t realize he goes and tells one of my really close friends—my neighbor—tells him the story. And I get out of the water, I run into my friend, I’m like, "What’s up?" And I’m like, "I just got into it with some dude." He's like, "Yeah, I just heard my buddy blah blah blah got in a fight with some dude out there." And I go, "It’s just an argument." And he goes, "Yeah..." And we’re telling our stories, he goes, "I'm—yeah, it was you." And I go, "You know the Drowner?" laughs He’s like, because he told me the story a totally different way. And I was like, yeah, it’s always seeing the perspective of people.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. My favorite thing—I swear to God—is probably more fun than dealing with a heckler, is when somebody starts chirping on me in the water. Like, I’ve been doing stand-up comedy 27 years. I know how to look at you and analyze you and find every single thing that you're possibly insecure about, and then elevate it to the point where I can make the lineup start laughing. I got a guy so bad one day that I think—I thought he was going to drown himself in the ocean. I was making so much fun of him. He had an earring, he had stickers on his board, and I was asking him what tour he was on. I was like, I told him his daughter called. He had like a flashy wetsuit, like it was like, you know, green and yellow wetsuit. And I was like, "Your daughter called. She needs her wetsuit back." And I was like, "I don’t know who’s sponsoring you or what tour you’re on, but I think they’re losing money." And I kept making fun of his earrings and his gold chain—like he had a gold chain. And he goes to me, "I’m a local." And I go, "It’s a long drive back to that trailer park in Kalamazoo." And he goes, "Trailer park? I’m a multimillionaire. I’m a multimillionaire!" And I go... And he said something like—and he was an older guy—and he’s like, "Bro, I’m a local. You want me to get the rest of the locals down here?" And I was like, "No—you better! Early nursing home visiting hours." He's just laughing. He was getting so mad. He got a little water... and he was like yelling at me. He’s like, "I’m getting my boys! You’re fucking done! Blah!" So he paddles out. And this is at County Line. And he paddles out of the water, and my wife and my baby—at the time—are on the beach. And I start to think, maybe this guy looked a bit messy. What if he goes and gets a bunch of guys? And County Line, you know some guys that hang out there—scummy. And I’m like, "Fuck, I might get—you know, like... I might have a group of them come over. This is going to be good." So I get out of the water and I pick up my baby. I'm like, they won’t beat up a guy with a baby, right? Ha ha! So my wife goes, "By the way, all that yelling out in the ocean—was that you?" And I go, "Yeah, I might have been involved in that." And she goes... She goes, "I heard all this yelling and guys were laughing." She goes, "I was like, is that him?" And I go, "Yeah, maybe. Might have gotten into a little altercation out there with a dude."
Michael Frampton
Surf crowd work.
Eddie Ifft
I love it. I love—I don’t think there’s a more fun... My favorite thing to do is say you’re not going to do any of that. And then my buddy—I came home the day I got in the altercation with the Drowner. And he goes, "Yeah, I just got in a fight with a guy." He goes, "I told a guy—I was like, ‘Dude, I’m going to come over there and I’m going to punch you in the fucking face right now.’" And I go, "Why? You’re not going to do that." Like, why would you say that? And he’s like—my friend’s like really wealthy. I go, "You’ll get sued so badly." And I go, "Why would you even threaten that?" Like, it’s so... that’s what I don’t like about it. All the posturing and idle... No one’s ever going to do anything.
Michael Frampton
Threats. It’s so true.
Eddie Ifft
Everyone’s just yelling at each other and acting like fake tough. Because they know they can’t do anything because there’s... not only do you have a camera on a board or somebody’s wearing a GoPro on their forehead, but Surfline’s got cameras on every lifeguard shack. And it’s just not happening. You know, it’s not happening. And so when I hear it, I’m just like... all you have to do is like have a nice conversation with them and go, "Hey, man, I don’t think it’s fair to do what you..." I would love it.
Michael Frampton
Should get a waterproof microphone and... it’s a great idea for a podcast. Surf crowd work.
Eddie Ifft
I saw a guy—these are like friends of mine too, so I shouldn’t talk shit—but... friend of mine, his friend started yelling at a guy for dropping in on the other... like the other friend. Like he was standing up for his friend, going, "Hey man, that was fucking insane. That was, you know, shitty. You fucking—what are you doing, man?" And he’s like, "I’m sorry, I didn’t see him." He’s like, "No, you fucking saw him! You saw him! It's the second time you’ve done it! You saw him, man! You know what you're fucking doing!" And he’s like, "I told you, I’m sorry." And then the guy that got dropped in on is like, "Whatever man, you fucking—you did it twice." And he’s like, "I said I’m..." He goes, "All I’m asking for is an apology." He goes, "I said I’m sorry!" And he goes... and then the guy who says he’s sorry, he goes, "You didn’t say you were sorry when you dropped in on me. You burned me!" And the guy goes, "I don’t have to!" That’s right. Why do we turn into four-year-olds? Like, "You owe me an apology." "Well, then you apologize!" "I don’t have to apologize. I’m a local!" "I’m a local! I don’t have to apologize."
Michael Frampton
It’s a giant pissing contest.
Eddie Ifft
It’s hilarious. It’s the funniest, most childish thing in the world. No other sport—I don’t think this is—I don’t think this goes on anywhere.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. Do you know that the heaviest... I’ve got a story around this, and it happened at Little Dume. And so I was surfing Little Dume, just having a quick surf. I’ll admit I was being a bit of a wave hog and I caught two or three waves in a row—just was having a quick surf. And on my last wave, was about to go in. I’m surfing and someone starts to drop in on me and I’m like, "Okay, fair enough." I didn’t mind. I started to straighten out. But instead of going right and surfing the wave, the surfer just comes straight at me—goes left, comes straight at me—pushes his longboard into my shins on purpose and then tackles me. Right? Wow. Gets me around the neck. Tries to hold me underwater. Yeah. And this is a big guy. He’s got like 20 kilos on me—40 pounds on me. And I’m like, "Shit, this guy’s serious." So I then, you know, forcefully stand up and get my hand around his neck, and we’re like eye to eye. And I’m thinking, should I headbutt this dude? And I look him in the eye and go, this guy looks like he’s on meth. I probably shouldn’t. And we just sort of... we started arguing about it, and he starts sort of shaking and going red in the face and yelling at me. Heavy situation. Literally tried to drown me. Like I had to fight for my life back.
Eddie Ifft
That is scary as shit. That's like my greatest—
Michael Frampton
Fear. Yeah. Full-on Point Break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he tries to—then he starts undoing the leash of my board, says he's going to push my board into the rocks. I'm like, whoa. And I was like, I got to get away from this dude. He's crazy. I know. I found out later on who it was. I won't say his name, but I will say he works for—
Eddie Ifft
I think I know who it—
Michael Frampton
And it turns out it's not the first time he's physically threatened people and has been in and out of rehab, has mental health issues.
Eddie Ifft
I know who it is now. Wow. Wow.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. That was my situation at Little Dume. Out of all places around, I've surfed around the world, you know, some crazy gnarly places, and then the bougiest place in the world, that’s when my gnarliest run-in happens.
Eddie Ifft
Well, that’s because that’s where most of the entitlement is. Exactly. But... I was in Maroubra, in, you know, down in, you know, Sydney, eastern suburb, where the Bra Boys are from. And my buddy always used to like to surf there, like if it’s a certain swell, he’s like, “Let’s go.” I was always like, I don’t want to surf there. You don’t want to be dropping in on someone there and get in trouble with a Bra Boy, you know. So I was like, I just would rather not. He's like, “No, everyone's so cool down there, blah...” And then, you know. So I'm surfing one day, and there's two Brazilians out there and the guy's got cauliflower ears that look like a head of cauliflower on each ear. And every wave I paddled for, he paddled for, if he was in—no matter what side he was on of me. And he would like—it was a competition between the two of us. And I was like, I don’t know why we can’t spread out. Why, like—I kept going away, and he kept coming near me. And I was like, why does this guy... like literally, he just—it was—he like made it a thing. Like, “I'm going to...” And so when I would paddle for waves, he would get so close beside me that his arm would go like over my arm. And he would like grab my arm. And I was like, I'm okay. And at one point, I just looked at him and I went, I go, “Do you want me to leave?” I was like, “Because I’ll go home. I don’t have to be here. I can go to other waves.” You’re aggressively like... It was like we were in a contest and it was the end of the heat and he was shadowing me. And I was like, “Do I...” I was like, “Excuse me, sir. Do you want me to go home?” Because it was like he was like, “You cannot get a wave here today.” I was like, okay. I’ll stop trying. You know, there’s cauliflower ear. I’m not—no. He was...
Michael Frampton
Did you get a response?
Eddie Ifft
I don’t even think he spoke English. I think he only spoke Portuguese. And my buddy’s like, “What happened? You weren’t getting any waves.” I’m like, “No, that guy didn’t want me to. We decided I wasn’t allowed to surf there today.” It’s like...
Michael Frampton
I’m just like...
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Hilarious. That’s the funniest. People that don’t surf don’t know this part of it. Like my wife—sometimes I’ll come home and she’ll be like, “You know, how was it?” And I’m like, “It’s terrible.” She’ll go, “What do you mean?” I’ll be like, “I didn’t get any waves.” She’ll be like, “What do you mean you didn’t get any waves?” I’m like, “I didn’t get any waves.” “How did you not get any waves?” I’m like, “You don’t get it.” Thank you.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, it’s a funny—it is a funny culture.
Eddie Ifft
What’s so overcrowded? Is New Zealand crowded?
Michael Frampton
Yeah, but there are parts—unlike California where there’s people everywhere—in New Zealand, you can drive for an hour up the coast and find no one, out of the major cities. So we are blessed.
Eddie Ifft
With that. Yeah, that’s what I found in Australia too.
Michael Frampton
The—you know, the good waves are crowded in New Zealand. Yeah. It’s crowded and there’s entitlement and there’s the same shit as everywhere else, man.
Eddie Ifft
Right.
Michael Frampton
But yeah, you can drive and get uncrowded waves here.
Eddie Ifft
My buddy’s got a house, a farm over there. And he keeps telling me to come over. I think he just—I think he went... Muriwai. He left on Monday. He’s over there now.
Michael Frampton
Nice. Well, COVID’s over. You’ve got to come do some shows.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, you know what happened? I had a bad experience over there. When I was on tour, I was with five other comedians and one of them was Hannah Gadsby. You know, Nanette.
Michael Frampton
The name rings a bell, but...
Eddie Ifft
It was a Netflix special and it’s like super PC. And I was on tour with them all. And I just wasn’t having a good experience because of the comedians I was with. And then one day I smoked some pot over there. That like... I lost my mind. That’s why I don’t smoke pot. I had—I started getting panic attacks and freaking out. And I don’t... Like, I do okay at stand-up. I was killing it in New Zealand. I was getting like standing ovations. And I was like, “I found my people.” And my tour manager was like, “I toured this guy last year. He sold out everything. You’re going to—after these shows, you’re going to sell out everywhere.” And I was like, “I’m never going back. Never.” I was like, “I’m never going back.” And I haven’t been back since. But my buddy has a house there. And a farm. And I keep saying I’m going to go visit them. And maybe I’ll do a tour again.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, well, I listened to your—though on Spotify—the Australian live tour. I mean, you have this... obviously, you’re very successful in America, but you have the ability to talk to the New Zealand and Australian crowd too. It’s brilliant. So yeah, you should definitely come do another show here.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I would love to. I’ve had a couple of promoters try to bring me over. I really—I want to go. I forget where my friend... he used to have a house in Piha, but he sold that. And now he’s got a farm somewhere. But no, I’m talking about Serge. My buddy’s a famous singer. Everybody in New Zealand probably knows who he is. And I don’t want to say where he lives anyway. I forget where his house is. But you’re on the East Coast, right?
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Okay. So you get all that swell. That’s—what’s that—what swell do you get then?
Michael Frampton
We get south swells in winter and then we get the nor’east swells—
Eddie Ifft
In the summer.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
That’s how it works. You get the south swells in the winter, right. Okay. So when Raglan goes—in the summer?
Michael Frampton
No, Raglan’s more of a winter wave.
Eddie Ifft
Okay.
Michael Frampton
Like, if you came here in like March—March, April—like the start of the winter swells, that’d be the best time to surf the West Coast. Like Taranaki and Raglan. And the water’s still not—you know, the weather’s reasonably settled that time of year as well. You get good waves everywhere.
Eddie Ifft
I performed somewhere in Hawke’s Bay and I’m trying to think where it is.
Michael Frampton
The Cabana. Where it was. The Cabana.
Eddie Ifft
It was a theatre tour. We played a whole bunch of theatres. There were like five of us. But we did so many shows. What’s the one that I used to always make fun of? Taronga.
Michael Frampton
Tauranga. Yep.
Eddie Ifft
How do you—
Michael Frampton
Say it? Tauranga.
Eddie Ifft
They would always make fun of me for saying it wrong. Yeah, we were like based in Auckland and then we went all over the North Island. And then... and then flew down. We did Nelson and Blenheim and Christchurch and I’m trying to think where else we did. Invercargill.
Michael Frampton
Yep.
Eddie Ifft
I went all over. But... what was the—where’s Lake Wanaka? We did the ski mountains. Yeah. And there’s one other place near Lake Wanaka. What was—
Michael Frampton
Yeah, we did Queenstown.
Michael Frampton
The place? Queenstown. But there was a ski resort down there near Lake Wanaka. What's the famous ski resort?
Michael Frampton
Oh, right—Cardrona or Treble Cone.
Eddie Ifft
That’s it!
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I’m not much of a skier.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I didn’t find, like... The only place—like there is one place—you can surf near... Tauranga, right?
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Isn’t there like a... like—what’s the beach there? There's a... That might be it.
Michael Frampton
Famous... Mount Maunganui?
Eddie Ifft
That's it. That's it. That's where I was going to surf and I didn't.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, no, we get great waves here in New Zealand. It's very seasonal though.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I loved... Even Piha, which people don't think is a very good wave—I loved it.
Michael Frampton
Most people say that because they don't want others to know that Piha gets good.
Eddie Ifft
Really?
Michael Frampton
Yeah. It gets pretty wild too, that stretch of coast.
Eddie Ifft
You had a big shark attack recently, didn’t you? Someone died?
Michael Frampton
Really?
Eddie Ifft
I think so, in the last year or something.
Michael Frampton
Oh, maybe. I don’t even watch the news, to be honest.
Eddie Ifft
I feel like New Zealand had one and it was like—it’s kind of spooky. Because it's just such a small place, you know, to have one.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. So you have a CrossFit podcast as well?
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. Don’t ask. It was sort of making fun of CrossFit. Then I started making money from it—I had to stop making fun. Yeah, I started out doing it.
Michael Frampton
Of it. Is that how it started? Funny. So do you do CrossFit though?
Eddie Ifft
Probably like 12 years ago. And I was doing it because I knew all these hardcore, like psychopaths. Like my cousin was a Navy SEAL. And I was like, "What do you do to work out?" Because I don’t want to be big. Like, you know. And I was like, so I want to be strong and fast. And he was like, "Do this workout." So I started doing this thing called SEALFit. I was doing their workouts, and then some days the guy wouldn't program a workout and he would say, "Just go to CrossFit.com and do their workout." And so after a while I was like, what’s this CrossFit page? And I went to that and I'm like... I started doing it. I started doing it on my own. And then my buddy one day was like, "You know they have a gym where they do that?" So I went to the gym and I was like, these guys are badasses. And then the next thing you know, all the soccer moms showed up. And then it was like—they’re all about, "Let’s have a community, let's have a party and let's all do this. And let's all buy matching socks." And I was like, I can't be part of this. And so I started making fun of it on a podcast and just trashing everyone. And, yeah. I’d go to these events and guys are like, "Dude, did you fucking say that about me?" And I'm like, "I was joking, dude." And I’m like, "What are you going to do? You’re going to out box jump me or do some burpees?" And I remember talking about—I was on Joe Rogan’s show once. I was talking about CrossFit and Rogan goes, "Why do you do that?" I’m like, "I don’t know. I feel like, you know, I’m working out. I’m trying to be a badass." And Rogan’s like, "Let me tell you something. You take your top CrossFitter from your gym, I’ll take my worst jiu-jitsu person from my gym. I guarantee you my guy kicks your guy’s ass." And I was like... "You’re right. You’re so right. This is just a waste of time." So I've been doing it for 12 years. Keeps me in shape, though.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, now there’s plenty of good things about CrossFit. I actually got my Level 1s, and that’s my background as a personal trainer and stuff. So yeah. Yeah. It depends on the coach, right? It depends on who's running the gym.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, totally.
Michael Frampton
Is it big?
Eddie Ifft
New Zealand?
Michael Frampton
It's big everywhere I go. But CrossFit's reasonably sized in New Zealand, yeah. It's a global phenomenon.
Eddie Ifft
But that's where Les Mills is from.
Michael Frampton
Touché. You know about Les Mills?
Eddie Ifft
Mills? That dude's a genius.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. It's the aerobics company. Les.
Eddie Ifft
He figured out how to make money with certifications. What a genius.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. So I did listen to a few episodes of The WODcast and you did the—you went on the carnivore diet for a bit, or are you still doing it?
Eddie Ifft
Well, I did it through McDonald's. McDonald's for 30 days.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I heard that. Tell us the story.
Eddie Ifft
I ate 30 days straight of McDonald’s only. And we were trying to prove Super Size Me wrong. That you can—like Super Size Me—it’s like, "McDonald's will kill you. It'll kill you. It'll kill you." And it's like, no—you’ll kill you. Like all the people that go to McDonald's, don’t blame McDonald's. Blame yourself. Because I went to McDonald's for 30 days. I ate every meal there. My inflammation went down. My HbA1c—which is your blood glucose, which is an indicator of diabetes—that went down. My cholesterol levels all maintained, which—I have good cholesterol—it all stayed the same. And I lost 11 pounds. I lost 5 pounds of fat. And I gained 3 pounds of muscle.
Michael Frampton
Okay, what was your strategy though? Were you drinking the big drinks and eating—
Eddie Ifft
No, I drank unsweetened tea and I drank water. And I never ate the buns. I ate burgers, chicken, and fish. I’d take the bun off every time. Little bit of cheese. And every once in a while before a workout, I’d have a chocolate milk.
Michael Frampton
Okay.
Eddie Ifft
That was it. Sometimes a french fry or hash. In the mornings I’d have like the Sausage McMuffin with Egg. And I would take off the bun and have two of those. It proves that like—as bad as that food is—that’s still better for you than if you went into the best grocery store and ate that shit in the middle of the store that’s all processed.
Michael Frampton
Touché.
Eddie Ifft
It’s full of sugar. Yeah. Sugar is just... it was a pure indictment on sugar. Hm. Like, if you have your choice between totally organic—bye, organic crackers—or a burger patty from McDonald's, the burger patty from McDonald's is your better bet.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, that high-fat, high-protein, high-sodium diet is the way.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. And it's not like—everybody talks about caloric restriction—but there's a lot more to it.
Michael Frampton
Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Because it's a lot about... it's like maintaining protein and maintaining muscle mass. You're not doing that with carbohydrates. You're doing that with—you need your protein. So I was eating about a pound and a half of protein a day.
Michael Frampton
Has any of that stuck? Do you continue any of those habits?
Eddie Ifft
I pretty much went from that to... went from that to eating the same way, but with like grass-fed meat and added vegetables and salads and stuff like that. But the one thing that affected me was the sodium. The sodium was missing then. And so I did, like—not just salt my food—but I take, like, I supplement with sodium, potassium, magnesium every day. Like heavy. I probably do at least 3,000 milligrams of sodium a day.
Michael Frampton
Yep.
Eddie Ifft
Because I'm not getting it in my food. When I was eating McDonald's, I was getting it.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, of course. Yeah. Start cutting out all that processed food, you'd be surprised how much electrolytes and sodium you gotta replace other ways.
Eddie Ifft
I was cramping like crazy. I'd extend my arm, and my whole arm would cramp up. I'd be like, "Is that..." And I was calling my nutritionist and he's like, "Dude, sodium." I'm like, "No." He's like, "More." And I'm like, "This sounds dangerous." And he's like, "Nope. Trust me." He's like, "What's dangerous is you cramping up and you not having your electrolytes and you dehydrating."
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I've been on the... I started the carnivore diet two years ago. Yeah. I haven't eaten a vegetable in over two years. No, that's not true. There was this one girl in a wheelchair... You think that cauliflower has a bad aftertaste?
Eddie Ifft
But...
Michael Frampton
Try a human flower that's been sitting in a diaper for four hours. But you know, once I cut vegetables out and went on the carnivore diet, I’ve never felt better.
Eddie Ifft
Man. People said, "How'd you feel?" I go, "Incredible." And they're like, "Come on." I'm like... they're like, "How were your shits?" I go, "Fine." And they go, "But your energy?" I go, "Amazing. Like, higher than ever before." Yeah. And it worked. There was not one complaint. I was getting creeped out by how well I felt. I was like, I'm eating McDonald's every day and I feel really good.
Michael Frampton
Yep.
Eddie Ifft
The thing was, I would buy a bunch of food in the morning and I would have it in my refrigerator. I always had food. I always knew what I could eat. I could eat it and not, like, worry about, "Can I eat this or what?" There was—it took away all the anxiety of choice. So it was like, just shovel this down. And it was so satiating. Like I always thought that I’d have to eat more. And then I'd eat like sausage McMuffins with egg in the morning. And I'd be like, "I'm going to need to have more food than that. I'm basically eating two patties, two eggs, two slices of cheese. That's not enough food." You know, like, "I need potatoes. I need this. I need that." And I'd eat the two and I'd be like, "Whoa, I'm full." And I know that I had over 30 grams of protein there. And I'm like, I got—I got my proteins. What's going to happen now? The next day... So the only thing was, if I needed to work out, I would have like a chocolate milk if I was going to do a hard workout.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. It's a big cross. Do you eat fruit?
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I do. I eat fruit.
Michael Frampton
Yep. Fruit and honey.
Eddie Ifft
So you're doing the Paul Saladino.
Michael Frampton
Yeah. I've—yeah. I follow him. Yep.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I don't know if all these people—I think it's all theoretic. They all are trying to make money at the end of the day, but I've heard this one working for a lot of people.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I mean, Paul’s got a lot of science behind what he does. But the thing is, there is an element of individuality, you know? If you have heritage from India and for seven generations you’ve been eating idli and naan bread, you’re going to digest rice and all that stuff much better than me—who’s from some Scandinavian Viking who grew up eating raw venison, you know, and has only been eating this processed food for a few generations. You know? So... I think people—
Eddie Ifft
There's so much to that. And that’s why it’s like, it’s not for everybody. But it works for a lot.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I went strict carnivore for a good month and I started cramping and just feeling low energy. And it was when I added the fruit and honey back in and some electrolytes, then I was fine. Better than I ever was on a similar diet—which might be called the paleo diet—where the macronutrients are similar. But I cut all the stuff out—and better.
Eddie Ifft
I do paleo pretty much now. I've been doing paleo for like 12 years. But yeah. Do you take electrolytes?
Michael Frampton
So I'll put like a Himalayan sea salt with some lime juice and maybe a little honey in my water. And then I just—when I do eat—I use a lot of salt. I'm a regular, so I take the freeze-dried organ meats pills.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I've been hearing about that. I thought about getting into that because I don't want to eat organ meat. I just don't want to.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, so take the freeze-dried pills. I do make my own bone broth, so there's a lot of minerals and electrolytes in the bone broth as well.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, there's a product called Element—L-M-N-T.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, I know it—from Robb Wolf. Yeah.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah. It's a good product. It's amazing. They're not an advertiser of ours, but I have them on our sponsor page because everybody asks me about it. Because I'm like, this shit... Like, say my kids take it before their soccer games. It’s just like—it’s Gatorade without sugar. It's better tasting Gatorade with more electrolytes. And I'm like, he's going to be a billionaire from that product.
Michael Frampton
Yeah, people that have—he’s providing a great... Like you said, Gatorade is full of sugar, man. All the other electrolytes have just got sugar.
Eddie Ifft
But Gatorade doesn't even have high electrolytes either. It's like, what? You got like 280 milligrams of sodium. That’s it? That’s all you have?
Michael Frampton
And—what they call it, is it isotonic? Rather than electrolytes—because the dextrose that they put in it actually helps you absorb the water faster, not just the electrolytes. It's the amount of sugar that actually helps it go into your system faster as well. So there's a little bit of clever marketing there.
Eddie Ifft
They make a new product. Gatorade has like a sugar-free product that's pretty good and has higher electrolytes. I don't know what the name of it is, but finally I was like, "Wow, this is pretty good." Like, I'm—
Michael Frampton
Surprised. Okay, so you've got The WODcast, but what else? You've got—that's coming back, right?
Eddie Ifft
Just recorded the first episode Monday night and it got completely out of control. One of the guests walked off the show. It was a nightmare. I mean, it was a nightmare, but it was a good nightmare. Like I'm sitting there going, "This is amazing radio." Like—two guys yelling at each other. It was fucking awesome. And it was everything that podcasting should be. The fight was like out of... like, it was an argument. And we had to stop the show. And clear things up. But we live-stream. Like if you go on our Patreon and you listen through livestream—or like, you can get the livestream—so anybody livestreaming saw the whole fight. And so that was like my selling point of why—you know, like—you gotta join the livestream. You get everything, you know, like whatever happens, it's like you’re there. Well, then... I forgot that I didn’t tell the guest that we were livestreaming. And the guest was like, "You’re livestreaming?" I was like, "Yeah." He's like, "What the fuck?" And I'm like, "I'm so sorry." He's like, "Dude, this is not cool." And I was like, "I know." Bye. If you want to go to patreon.com/talkingshit, make sure you get the livestream and you’ll see all the shit.
Michael Frampton
All right. I’ll put links to all of that stuff in the show notes. And links to all your other stuff—you’ve got some audio specials on Spotify and, of course, the Malabama one on YouTube. I’ll put links to all that stuff.
Eddie Ifft
Yeah, I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.
Michael Frampton
No, man. Thanks for doing the show. It’s been fun.
Eddie Ifft
Send me that clip. I will post it as soon as possible. I haven’t rocked that hard in a long time.
Michael Frampton
Thank you for tuning into the show. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and give us a rating on the app that you’re using to listen to this. Make sure you give Eddie a follow on Instagram @eddieifft. And of course, check out his other podcasts and stand-up comedy work. Until next time, keep surfing.
81 Eddie Ifft - Comedian Podcaster Surfer
For the passionate surfer—whether you're a weekend warrior, a surf dad, or an older surfer—this podcast is all about better surfing and deeper stoke. With expert surf coaching, surf training, and surfing tips, we’ll help you catch more waves, refine your paddling technique, and perfect your pop up on a surfboard. From surf workouts to handling wipeouts, chasing bigger waves, and mastering surf technique, we’re here to make sure you not only improve but truly enjoy surfing more—so you can get more out of every session and become a wiser surfer. Go from Beginner or intermediate Surfer to advanced.